The Functioning Trap: Why Social and Relational Support is Crucial to Building Lifelong Skills
One of the joys of being a psychologist is that psychology is a vast field, with many different viewpoints, that are frequently changing. It is both overwhelming and, in better moments, deeply stimulating and gratifying. As a psychologist, I also get to witness the growth of new ways of thinking and all they have to offer. Consider the neurodiversity paradigm and its acknowledgement of the reality our minds are all different, bring various strengths to the world, and benefit from environments that respect and collaborate with (rather than pathologize) those differences.
Whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, life is demanding. Adolescent and adult life, in particular, places specific demands on our executive functions - planning, organizing, regulating feelings, avoiding doing things we should not (especially when we feel pulled to), remembering, paying attention, and thinking flexibly. Because life is so demanding and accommodations can only do so much, many patients (and parents) are understandably eager to strengthen their executive functioning skills, especially when challenges in these areas are making college, work life, and family life difficult. Where does one go from here?
Buffing Skills: Training and Flexing
We tend to think of executive functioning in specific functional contexts, especially when there is a breakdown - missed deadlines, forgotten items, explosive feelings, distractibility, impulsive behavior and the morass of procrastination. This leads to a focus on outcome - how do we improve a person’s executive functioning? While the question is reasonable, particularly given the importance of executive functioning across the lifespan, an outcome focus may not get to the heart of the matter.
Approaches that emphasize skills, like how to use a calendar or task-list, or software that trains attention and memory, are attractive, outcome-oriented solutions. They may even boast higher skills after the intervention. This makes it seem like one can train executive functions in a specialized program, much like one can train muscles by lifting in a gym. However, this mindset is misleading (whether we’re talking about executive functioning or weight lifting). Process is how we connect individual and context. Appreciation for process also helps us to get to meaningful, generalizable, outcomes.
The Problem of Generalizability
Research into functional challenges (for example, social skills and executive functioning) often occur in research labs and make use of psychological testing instruments. These valuable tools help us to understand executive and social functioning without all of the “noise” that tends to complicate things in daily life. This is also true for many intervention studies in these areas. There are many programs and protocols for improving these functions. While there is evidence to support their effectiveness, it is important to understand that evidence takes many different forms.
For example, a social skills curriculum may ask participants to respond to social stories - by accurately identifying conflicts or effective resolutions. Test a participant before and after the intervention and, if the scores after are significantly greater, you have evidence the intervention is effective. Ask children to demonstrate executive functions on a few computerized tasks to establish a baseline, follow with a skills intervention, and perform a post test. If the scores at the end are significantly greater than the scores at the beginning, you have evidence the intervention is effective.
Unfortunately, that evidence is not enough to guarantee that a child will actually show fewer social and executive functioning difficulties in day to day life. Parents and teachers may not observe them to be more organized or to have more meaningful friendships. What gives?
The problem here is generalizability and it is well known to researchers and practitioners alike. The more we isolate a skill or an individual from their environment, the harder it is to generalize our findings. The more general we make our findings and intervention, the harder it is to isolate what variables are most important.
So where does this leave parents supporting their children? Where does it leave adults trying to figure out their life?
The Vitality of Relationships
There are many different factors that influence the effectiveness of psychotherapy - but perhaps none is more important than the therapeutic alliance. The alliance, or the shared goals, orientation to task, and relational bond, between patient and therapist may be the biggest driver of change in a treatment - more so than any particular style of intervention.
Good relationships are inherently collaborative and process oriented. They offer space for reflection, foster feelings of trust and security in self and other, allow for meaningful feedback and information processing, and address a core human need to connect with others. When we are tired, anxious, depressed, or stressed, it has a manifold (and measurable) impact on our ability to relate to others, to manage our time, to identify goals and prioritize, to organize our life meaningfully, and to focus on what matters. In other words, for as complex as executive functioning can be to study - one thing we know with reasonable certainty, is that feeling disconnected from others and emotional turmoil will make it hard to function.
Relationships are a vital catalyst. When they go well, they erode obstacles to functioning and guide individuals to environments where they thrive.
The Functioning Trap
Let’s get back to functioning - or, more specifically - what we tend to do when things aren’t functioning. We tend to look for a solution to the functional problem. Perhaps explicitly teaching social and executive functioning skills will help someone who is experiencing those challenges.
Perhaps.
However, if lack of relationships, emotional turmoil, stress, depression, and anxiety are present (and they very likely are), then even the most solid interventions may not be helpful. This is a recipe for frustration. A short-term and narrow focus on one function forgets that people are complex, dynamic, and always developing in conversation with their environment.
Short-term, singular, outcome-oriented interventions that don’t take the whole person and their context into account, may lead to a boom / bust cycle. When the first hack, app, or specialist isn’t helpful, then it’s time to try a new hack / app / approach. This can erode trust between patients, parents, and providers. It can lead to burnout. Many rounds of this cycle can damage self-esteem and self-efficacy, leaving the child (or adult) to unconsciously feel that they cannot grow, they cannot be helped, they lack motivation, or that their future is hopeless.
Stepping out of the Trap
One of the key ways to build executive functioning and social skills is to practice them in the context of a meaningful activity that is motivating and stimulating. Curious about weightlifting? Great! Regular, mindful, exercise supports executive function. Does your child feel like the type of kid who would make a great attorney? Consider the debate team or model UN - researching interesting topics and details is a great way to improve organizational skills and these can be great environments to meet people who enjoy vigorous debate.
The point is…. Remember that people learn best in context. If you are going to focus on a specific function to develop, get creative about how to link that function to daily life. After all, isn’t addressing the challenges of daily life part of doing this?
Here are a few more ideas to consider:
Clarify your values and priorities - what functional difficulties concern you? More importantly, why do they concern you and how do you feel they are getting in your way? We can become so focused on an obstacle that we forget where we are trying to go if we manage to remove it. Clarifying values and priorities also helps to foster intrinsic motivation, a vital resource for persisting in the tough task of growing.
Expand your view of functioning - Rather than focus on functioning in isolation, think about it in context. Would you like to help your teen improve organizational skills and make friends? You could try skills groups - OR - you could think with your teen about what excites them, what they’d like to learn, and the type of people they enjoy. Then choose an activity that incorporates these.
Seek Connection - It can be hard to make friends in adulthood. Interest-based and community organizations (especially if they do something you are curious about / inspired by) can offer good scaffolding for meeting new people. Volunteer organizations, community choruses, running clubs, and other groups set up the chance encounters that can lead to meaningful connections.
Consider psychotherapy - It is easy to write these recommendations, but that does not mean they are easy to follow. Stress and the demands of daily life may leave little room for a person to consider what matters to them and to utilize this insight to inform their choices. Depression, anxiety, isolation, and existential concerns will make it hard to think, hard to focus, and hard to connect with yourself and others. Addressing these concerns first, may have cascading effects on other areas of your life.
Get a holistic picture of what is happening - When challenges persist, it may be worth investing the time to get a holistic picture of what is happening. It is always worthwhile to think about obstacles in context - when is it more / less easy to manage time, what kinds of people or more / less difficult to engage? A psychological assessment, can also offer a thorough and nuanced view of a person and their environment. That clarity can set up the foundation for meaningful and lasting change.
