Ducks on the Water: Identifying Subtle Risk Factors in Neurodivergent Teens
Ducks on the Water
Ducks on water look peaceful. They float along, looking calm and serene. Underneath, they are kicking their feet very hard to stay afloat. At Tide Pools, we often work with “ducks on the water” - neurodivergent teens who, on the surface, look like they are floating just fine. That makes sense, ducks are meant to float on the water, after all. Still, paddling can be draining. They may look calm from the outside, but underneath they are kicking vigorously to keep above water.
Duck Watching
This kind of patient can be tricky to spot because many things may be going well. They may get decent grades at school and be on track to go to college or begin a trade apprenticeship. To people who do not know them well, everything may seem just fine. However, people who do know them well (parents, partners, close friends) may notice:
Sudden bouts of exhaustion, typically following the end of a term or completion of a big project
High levels of anxiety; panic symptoms that occur infrequently but cause significant distress
Sleep difficulties
Social isolation
Relational ruptures or unexpected conflict with authority figures
Substance use that may be hidden or seem unremarkable
A tendency to go along with what is expected, difficulty asserting their viewpoint
Challenges with emotional authenticity
Reduced creativity and difficulty making their own decisions
Intolerance for boredom
The demands of school, work, and family life, may leave the teen paddling fiercely just to stay afloat. That means there is little attention to devote to long term plans, like where they want to go in life, what might address these underlying challenges, or dangers that may lurk out of sight.
Watch out for ‘gators
Interventions for neurodivergent teens often focus on making the duck a better paddler. Perhaps executive functioning coaching would lead to more organized and timely paddling. Social skills training might improve their relationships with the rest of the flock. Occupational therapy can help the duck think about what pond is the best fit for them. These are all important interventions. Still, there is more to a neurodivergent teen than these domains of functioning. It is important to expand our frame of reference to include common challenges that may go unnoticed. These challenges are like alligators in the pond. They hide, and they can cause a lot of trouble. Luckily, from the right vantage point, we can spot these signs of potential danger including:
Bullying and its impacts including vulnerability to future abuse
A willingness to ‘go-along’ with others that may lead to tough spots
Susceptibility to deception and manipulation
Overwhelm in new situations, during major life transitions, or when leaving one’s friends and family
Challenges deciding what they need and finding ways to implement it
Feeling broken or incapable after past unsuccessful attempts at treatment
The weight of feeling the world expects them to be someone they are not
The inevitable exhaustion that comes from trying to be what others expect them to be
Dissociated trauma and its unconscious impact
Mistrust in others that makes it hard to establish social support
Vulnerability to psychosis
Building Resilience for the Journey
Ducks can fly and there is nothing quite like watching them soar. While it is inevitable that a parent will worry for their teen, there are steps a parent can take to support them. To name just a few:
Reflect your teen’s interests and ambitions. Describe the things you notice that help them to feel calm, connected, and creative. This will help them to build language to do the same.
Invite your teen to think with you about what makes a trustworthy person. Are they someone who says nice things to you? How do they respond if you say no or disagree? Can the teen talk with them about concerns? What do they bring to the relationship?
Honor past challenging experiences. It is understandable to try to look to the positive side of things - maybe especially if your teen seems to take a negative view. However, reflecting their experience back to them (and reminding yourself it’s ok for you to see it differently!) will help to build trust and help your teen to feel heard.
When the pressure is high, look for opportunities to slow things down. When people are under stress, it is harder to make thoughtful decisions, to understand feelings, and to think flexibly. When your teen is paddling too hard, remind them it is ok to slow down and that doing so will save them time and energy in the long run.
Remind your teen of what they bring to the world, why it is valuable, and why it is worth protecting. Neurodivergent teens, particularly those with a history of bullying, can feel that life and relationships are an uphill battle. This can put them in a state where they feel they need to earn relationships and prove themselves to others. While that is true to an extent, it is also true that they have a say in who they welcome into their life, because good people will value them for who they are.
These are just a few, general, ideas for helping neurodivergent teens to work through common pitfalls and support their resilience and thriving. When the picture is complicated and confusing, or if you are a parent who is feeling overwhelmed and fearful about your teen’s future, it may be worth seeking support to get a clearer picture.
